Let's start with those who cannot park...

This never ceases to amaze me. Somehow, these inept individuals have been given a driver’s license regardless of the fact they cannot safely manoeuvre a motor vehicle at 5km/hr. This should set off alarm bells at the MTO licensing office.

We've all seen them. Forward, reverse, forward, reverse. It seems to go on forever. It’s mind-boggling to think that these people actually passed a road test.  We’re not talking about high-speed emergency braking. Nor are we talking about Nascar-evasive manoeuvres. Nope, we’re talking about glacially-paced parking.

I always cringe when I see a timid looking driver behind the wheel of a massive SUV. To them, the bigger the car, the bigger the crunch zone. Inevitably, they have to park somewhere or back up, and herein, lies the problem:

If you insist on driving a stupidly large vehicle for no good reason (ie: you drive a Suburban but you’re not transporting the Secret Service), then learn how to drive that barge properly. This starts in the parking lot before double-digit speeds are even reached.

Let’s review the basics: two parallel lines with ample space between painted on the pavement, most commonly found in yellow or white. Your goal? Centre yourself between them in as straight a fashion as possible. Seems simple. But somehow, stall parking spots become angle parking spots when that one dunce decides to leave his Expedition wedged in on an angle.

My most recent visit to a shopping mall was my last straw with soccer moms and SUVs.

There were two empty spots, side by side. I pulled in, squarely between the lines, and got ready to climb out. Just then, a woman with a large SUV fronted in beside me. Imagine my surprise when not only was I unable to open my door, but she actually got out and started unloading her stroller!

Finally managing to clamber out of my car, I said, “Parked a bit close, don’t you think?” She was wedged in on a 45 degree angle with her rear tire well over the yellow line.

“Oh, is it?” she quipped, as she continued to unload the stroller. I pointed out the line she was straddling, effectively blocking me in.

“Do you think I should move it?” she asked. I looked at her for a second and wondered if there was a hidden camera capturing this circus.

I replied, “Well, unless you want scratches on this beast when you get back, I’d strongly recommend you move it.” Which she did. And, after four attempts to shimmy over and straighten it out, I was left with a marginal improvement. The end result? I didn’t have to trade any paint with her to get out of my spot.

Bottom line: if you are unable to operate a motor vehicle at 5km/hr or less, you will be sacrificed first.